Back at the beginning of March, I said get your popcorn ready for the month. February was a great month, not just for writing, but for me solidifying who am I and what I can be. And I made the claim that March would be just as interesting, if not moreso.

Was it?

The popcorn tasted fabulous.

The past 31 days of writing were fantastic. Like a submarine, I keep diving deeper and deeper into what I can do and what I can be. I’m like a miner, digging and digging and pulling out diamond after diamond.

In fact, there was a 10-day stretch where I produced some of my best writing since I started the blog. The writing showcases the depths of my heart and my soul. It shows the world what I can be, not only as a man, but as a human being. What I am capable of, which is so much.

Like a proud father, here are my babies for the world to see and take heart in.

• A letter to my mom
• What I can do for a woman
• A letter to a friend
• The wellspring of my inspiration
• Me and the underdogs
• The dream of the wolves
• Why I am tireless
• A talk with a friend
• Me snapping in a wonderful way

I am proud of the words I have written. I am thankful and grateful that my heart can pour all of this out to the world. I am grateful for the challenges that have allowed me to become greater than I was. I am hopeful that I can become greater than I am, selflessly, for someone else, somewhere.

I am grateful for April, to see how much further I can go, how much I can become.

I look forward to making more fresh popcorn.

Namaste

Om mani padme hum.

Do I remain ready to give and receive the best from someone else?

Every time my heart beats.

I’m grateful for…

waves, jazz, creativity, being alive, my five, persevering, thinking, being quiet, vulnerability, strength, the sun, dreams.

Although I haven’t written about them in a while, they are still present. They still come. At some times, barely a whisper. At others, wave after wave. I can’t control them, I have no power over them. I let them do their thing in me.

I love where I’m at, what I can do, what I can be.

I know where I’m at, what I can do, what I can be.

Before the Stanley Jordan concert, he did a Q&A with the audience. One of the members asked him about how much he practices. Because he’s wrapping up his album, he hasn’t had as much time, so he thinks about practicing. And he says that is as effective as the actual act of picking up his axe and tapping.

I like that concept.

They say it’s hard to do two things at once. Tell that to Stanley Jordan.

I saw this virtuoso guitarist a few days ago, and it was amazing. Some people don’t like jazz because they think there is little if anything to it. They’re not paying attention; they’re not engaging all of their senses. When you’re sitting down at a club or a theater, you’re not being this little brown jug that the artist is pouring in.

You are watching and listening to art being created. Yes, watching. Watch Jordan play the guitar.

Haven’t seen anything like that, have you? It’s called touch playing, or tapping. Most guitarists strum and pick. Jordan can do that, too, but watching him tap seems to give him more freedom of movement. space and creativity.

Watch his fingers run up and down the fretboard. They move like a dancer moving gracefully, powerfully, across a stage. A pianist does the same thing. Even a saxophonist. When you experience jazz, you are watching the music and the motions of the artists become one. Does it seem like you’re just sitting there? Only if you want to think you are. Only if you choose to be disengaged.

Not only am I listening to Jordan’s virtuosity, I’m watching his fingers create soundscapes, watching him dance to his own creation. I’m taking all of it in.

More creativity: this was a solo show, just him and his guitar. And a piano. During the second set, he walked over to the piano and started playing, guitar still strapped to him. Then, something I hadn’t seen before happened. With his left hand still playing piano, he started playing guitar with his right. Seamlessly. As if one hand was answering and collaborating with the other. It was one of the more stunning things I’ve seen or heard at any concert.

Being a jazz musician, he can improvise, too. He made up a song on stage, a good, lyrical tune. I respected that and enjoyed it greatly. While he played, I thought: this is how life is sometimes. You have to improvise and make something happen at the moment of greatest peril. I am grateful for that musical lesson he taught me.

Jordan is also quite spiritually aware, another thing I respect. He has a CD coming out April 22 called “State of Nature,” and the music, from reading the program, seems to be informed by his awareness of himself and the environment.

“The two main ideas ideas that consumed my thoughts were these: Human beings need to get back to nature, which extends to the environment as well as our bodies–the part of nature we carry around in us, and we need to evolve intellectually, spiritually and politically. Neither will work without the other. I believe that when we become more educated, we’ll be better problem solvers.”

Amen.

And this…

“If you think about space and how empty it is, here we are on a planet that is so nurturing to us. We need to get back to that. Look at the cracks in the sidewalk. The power of life is so strong that a little seedling can crack the concrete and come through.”

Heady stuff? Yes, but I’m telling you something–it’s graspable. If you want to grasp it.

Yes, you can get all of this from a jazz concert. Maybe you should go to one and find out what you can discover, what you can change.

Saturdays are fertile times for vivid dreams.

I was walking in Paris, where I can't remember. As I'm walking, I
decide I'm going to just take off all my clothes. Shirt, pants,
underwear–only the shoes stayed on. The bemused looks I got from the
Parisians didn't bother me one iota. It was natural to be in that state.

Stripped down to my essence. And what essence is that? Heart, soul,
spirit, soul, love, passion.

The good stuff. Naked before the world.

A child's greatest plaything is not a toy–it's the box it came in. In other words, imagination.

While my head may seem to be floating in clouds of possibilities, my feet are firmly planted in reality.

In everything I do–everything–my intentions are good. My intentions are there to comfort, support, protect, grow. nourish. That’s the way I’ve always been, and will continue to be.

“The heart’s deepest wish is that one becomes a better human being.”

Abdullah Ibrahim

I’m grateful to feel such an amazing spirit flowing in my heart right now. This is my way of sharing it.

Namaste.

My energy in my heart, soul, spirit is amazing right now. I want it out into the world. At this moment, I can be and accomplish anything I want. I feel expansive. I can see others and how they feel. See me here, see me now.

Right here…

All the gifts in the world can’t compare to the gift of time. The gift of presence.

I wouldn’t stop anyone from giving me things. Their mere presence would warm this old soul.

I've never hung on for the sake of mere hanging on. I've been there because I knew my presence was needed in some way. And I wanted to be there.

It’s Christmas morning, and you’re in the living room opening presents and playing with your new toys. Some of them have to be put together, and the instructions are exasperating. Does part A really fit into tab B like that?

But then there’s a gift around the tree that hasn’t been opened. You reach for it, open it, and wow–this beautiful toy all ready to go and to play with. No assembly required. No instructions. Complete.

But you go back to the mishmash of parts strewn on the floor.

I’ve talked about completeness before. I’ve been called complete. So if I am complete, as a man, then wouldn’t it make sense to take what is complete? Shouldn’t you take better? It doesn’t matter to me if you’re complete or not. I’ll take you as you are and enjoy and care about you. I’m strong enough to do that.

And a note on relationships. Color me naive, but I don’t want to see relationships between men and women be about power, control or management. When I am in a relationship, I am supporting my mate. Nourishing her, and nourishing me. I don’t want this to be about power. I want it to be about becoming the best a man and woman together can be.

This is all that I want.

(Relationships may indeed be more about power, control and management. But I want to rise above that.)

I had a fascinating conversation with a friend this evening. This involves some astrology, so be forewarned.

My friend and I are both Aries. And we’re both having, er, romantic issues. The conversation went a little like this…

Friend: It’s true that Aries are complete and hard to understand; but we’re also protective and absolutely passionate and affectionate. (I’ve talked about completeness before…)

Me: We are–so why do people want less of us?

Friend: It’s hard to manage us…this is the only reason why a lot of people tend to push us away.

Me: I gotta disagree–I’m easy to manage–at least I think I am. (Really, I am frightening easy to manage and easy to please. All you have to do to please me is just be.)

Friend: Our charisma is something difficult to manage. (I still disagree here.)

(snip)

Friend: You know.. sometimes people that we care about are simply not able to come back and talk with us, they think we’re unapproachable. (It hurts me to think that someone sees me as unapproachable. I want to be open.)

(snip)

Me: Another question–why would anyone turn away someone who said they were complete?

Friend: Because someone complete is hard to manage. (Me? Hard to manage?)

(snip)

Me: Maybe I’m naive, but here’s someone right here to by everything you want and desire. Don’t worry about you being less,–take from me, I have enough. Maybe my ego is just big.

(snip)

Me: But the point of a relationship is not to compete with your mate. Is it?

Friend: Fight together to reach a goal, not one against the other. (Totally down with this. But…)

Me: I’m an idiot. I’m always going to fight for the one I’m with. Complete or not.

Friend: You’re not an idiot.

————————–
What do I want from a mate to be happy. Just having them there is joy enough. Their presence, their aura.

And I don’t care how complete I am, I am going to fight together alongside the woman I’m with. Never against her.

And seriously, I am not hard to manage. Like the song says, I’m easy like Sunday morning.

I want to know this. I ask not from sadness, but from wanting to know.

What do I have to do to become lucky in love?

Comments are always welcome, BUT…be creative. No cliches are allowed. I want to see originality.

At any moment, at every moment, I endeavour to be the best I can possibly be.

Take the good that is inside of you and manifest it for the world to see, to grasp, to feel, to emulate.

The sheer incredibleness of being I feel this morning I want to give away. I want to give that great part of me away. Don’t worry–it always returns.

Underlying everything I do, and everything I am, is optimism. Hard-won optimism. Light, strength, being.

It’s wonderful to wake up every morning feeling like I can conquer the world. And wake up knowing I can be the best I can be for someone. Be everything. Knowing I can live for someone else. To give and receive the big five.

They came last night. About dinner time. They were there all weekend, but not like this.

Steadily, they washed through me. Wave after wave. All night.

This morning, they are here.

Their meaning is unclear.

Their presence, their power, is undeniable.

I am grateful for:

heart, love, soul, spirit, honor, being alive, thriving, being whole, being more, trying, failing, trying again, not giving up, optimism, the universe, sweetness, passion, being black, being male, being the best I can be, dreams, pulses, spontaneity, creativity, life, women, one woman, confidence, humility, pride, strength, the chance to show the world myself, the chance to show someone everything, being, peace, bliss, hope, faith, reality, wings, water, light, rain, clouds, play, snow, deservedness, wanting, needing, justifying…

And anything else I can think of today.

Good morning.

Namaste

I love what I do as a career. It’s a good, fascinating job. I love it because it allows me to do something that it greater than myself.

But I reached a point long ago where I knew my career was only part of who I am. There are things I want to accomplish in that other life, but it is not the be all and end all. My life outside of my work is of greater significance to me. I not only want to be my best at the office, but I want to be my best in life. For myself, for others. That’s the most important thing.

I am greedy.

I want more.

More, more, more….

Intangibles.

The stuff you can’t buy.

The stuff you can buy is cool. I want one of these. I have one of these. I like these.

I’m watching the news now, a segment on plastic surgery, and how (relatively) inexpensive it is becoming. People use the tangible (a nip, a tuck) to make the bridge to the intangible (changing the way they feel about feel about themselves). That’s cool. I do it.

Ah but…

Is it sustainable? Can you always turn to a surgeon, a car, an iPhone for true sustenance, true nourishment?

Can you?

My aim is always for spiritual fulfillment. To become the best I can. The wholeness of me, so I can be the best I can for someone else. Ultimately, I want to turn to myself, and someone special, for that sustenance. I want that deep, spiritual, emotional nourishment, that sustenance. More than a phone or a car.

And if a bottle of wine is nearby, that’s cool, too;-)

Right now, what sustains me is my heart. Its ability, my ability, to do more than keep going–to transform into a spirit that gives much is astounding.

As much as I want to give love, heart, soul, spirit, passion, I want to take love, heart, soul, spirit, passion. I want to take it, and return it. And take and return. I want the greatest cycle there is. To give love, and to take love, and repeat it at every moment.

I want love to be a loop fed by heart, soul, spirit, passion.

I know I want to give so much. I can take so much, too.

I want to feel the warmth, the joy, of holding someone in my arms. I want to be lost in the eyes of a woman. I want to hold her hand. I want to listen, with her in my arms, as the birds sing good morning. I want to be the only two people on the planet. I want to feel as one with her. I want to feel both fire and bliss in her touch, in her kiss. I want to feel all the possibilities of life, all the optimism. I want to be nourished by her body, by her heart, by her soul.

All of these things I have experienced before. I am grateful for that. I can’t wait to feel them again. I am also grateful for that.

That’s how I am.

The universe belongs to me, and anything I want in it, I can have.

I am infinitely thankful and grateful to wake up like this every single morning. There are no limits to what I can be, what I can give. Forces invisible to me pull me higher every day. Pull me to my best self.

When I am old and gray, say, 50 years from now, I’m willing to bet I will be just as inexhaustible (yes, I plan on being here for awhile).

What’s good, brothers and sisters, is that I’ve got so much to give. I lack the vessel in which to pour it, but I’ve got something precious for someone to receive.

I am grateful for what I have, and what I will receive.

Now, let me say this. I am a sweet guy. People, women, tell me this. I have a lot more than sweetness in me to give. A lot more. Heart, soul, spirit, love, passion. I am living these ideas and thoughts and feelings everyday. The number one thing I want from the universe is to live these for someone else.

What is all this running on and on about love and heart doing to me? Fantastic things. Fantastic possibilities. Fantastic optimism. Trust me, I have a quiet, introspective moment where I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Then, that weight becomes lighter as the heart and the soul lift it and turn it into spirit. I don’t have to do anything. It does it on its own.

This is what I want to give to someone. This is what I have given before. This is why I am so confident in myself and what I can do and be. I’ve been down this road before. I want to go down it again. I’ve given my heart, my soul, my spirit, my love, my passion, to someone freely, joyfully, cheerfully. What else could there possibly be in life that is greater than those five gifts?

Am I lovelorn? Maybe. Am I lonely? Maybe. These are negatives, and I want to turn negatives into positives.

I say it everyday. Either here, or in my heart. Because this is how I feel, and this is what I want:

Love, heart, soul, spirit, passion. I have these in abundance, and I want to give them to one special woman.

This is what I want from the universe. Those five things makes me inexhaustible. I want a woman to feel that enormous energy. I want that door to the universe open.

Namaste.

And one more thing, in crystal clear sound….

Imagine being a chef, and everyday, you prepare the best buffet you possibly can. The best meats, cheeses, fruits, vegetables, drinks. A sumptuous feast.

And no one takes all of what you prepare.

Every negative emotion you can think of, you muster. You’re human after all.

Now, here’s the question–what next? Do you wallow in the negative emotions? No.

You turn the negative emotions into positives. You turn twinkies into apple pie.

You keep preparing the feast. You lay out your spread. You let the smells of the feast entice. You let the sights draw the diner in.

Lay out the feast everyday. Let the diner know how nourishing this feast is, for the body and the soul.

I am laying out my feast everyday. To be supped, to take nourishment from.

I am a black man.

Proudly so.

I’m not into stereotypes, limits, walls, barriers. What I’m into is being the best I can be, for myself and for others. The way in which I do it may not be conventional. I may not be perfect. But my intent is strong, pure. Regardless of my color.

Being black and male lets me acknowledge convention, but not be bound by it. I can shape it into whatever shape I want. What I want the shape to be is good. Simply good. The shape of my words, thoughts, actions, feelings, deeds.

What I want, and what I have, transcends stereotypes of what society thinks black men can be, can accomplish. I want to be as bright a star as I can be.

I am the black gold of the sun.

And so are you.

Being needy is seen as a bad thing. Is it, really? I have physical, spiritual and emotional needs. I want them taken care of. Why not embrace what I need? Haven't I been doing that all along?

I was home one Christmas, and my mom gave me a blue fleece pullover. I wasn't expecting it, or anything, from her. Not because we are on bad terms–that's hardly the case.

I want to give love that is rich, deep and soulful.

I want to turn grief, fear and disappointment into something greater. Love

I feel the visceral, the sensuous, the sensory. I dig into the soil beyond them, and reach for the one true nutrient, the one true nourishment.

Love.

Namaste.

I have endless pools of love, heart, soul, spirit, energy, strength. They never drain. They are always ready to serve and to give.

What am I able to do with all this? Think of swimming in an ocean. I want to be the water. I want to surround, but not to smother, but nourish, grow, feed the body, the spirit, the soul. I want to give as naturally as water gives live.

Diving into this pool is not frightening. Far from it. My waters will nourish, will protect you. In surrunding you, I guide and support you. I’ll help you swim better than before.

(A little over the top? Hmm, maybe. But you have to dream, right? And my dreams are expansive. I feel that I can be this.)

I had a dream this morning.

I was home with my family. And for some reason I started to go outside to take a shower. As I opened the door, I saw three wolves lurking about. For some reason, I yelled at them, and they came running to the door. I instinctively closed and locked the screen door, just as one of them licked the door handle. Then, I unlocked the door.

And the dream ended.

So, the three wolves (fear, sadness, disappointment) want to come for me. Well, come inside. Welcome. Now, since you are here, allow me to show you something extraordinary. Allow me to show you my heart, my spirit, my soul. All three are powerful, strong, purposeful. Indomitable. More than anything you can muster. Watch me turn fear, sadness and disappointment into heart, soul, spirit. Watch me turn something lesser into something greater. Something that nourishes the soul.

Come inside. See, feel, touch, inhabit my being. I’m waiting for you.

Namaste.

Watch this video…

There is something that Villanova, Appalachian State, North Carolina State, Boise State and yours truly have in common.

We are underdogs. Or, as I am starting to call it, believers.

We believe in the possible, and the impossible. We have been down in the mud before, caked in dirt, hands on hips, wondering why on God’s green earth I land here. And with a deep breath, summoning all the determination that exists, we rise again. Slowly to both feet we rise. Ready for action. Ready to push the limits of possible.

Fall down seven times, get up eight.–Japanese proverb

We sacrifice so much of ourselves, us underdogs. Why pour body, soul, spirit into something where all three may be broken? Because the sacrifice we make in giving ourselves will be repaid. We know this innately. We welcome this chance to show our truest selves, the marrow of our being. We know that we are being greater than ourselves, our truest calling. We believe in the project. We believe in the reward.

Is it stubbornness that makes us get up from the mud? Possibly. Is it a refusal to accept less? Possibly. What makes us get up is knowing that the eyes of the world are on us. They look and wonder if we can make it up one more time. And when they see us rise, one more time, they cheer, tears in their eyes, saying silently, you are amazing.

We see walls before us. Some look and see no way to the other side. We search for ways to overcome barriers. We take the impossible, go beyond its limits, and transform it into the possible.

It is not easy being an underdog. We have to work harder, be more all the time. Be ready all the time. We can’t be afraid of getting dirty, getting hurt. Our storehouses of will, heart, spirit, determination must always be greater. We are always on call. The spotlight is always on us. Our hardiness must be harder. Our strength has to be stronger.

And an underdog doesn’t mind one iota. The underdog knows all of this already. If he or she didn’t, how could they be their best? We are not afraid of going just one more step. We know they have to. We persevere.

All the while, us underdogs maintain humility, knowing that we may be called upon at any moment. We may find ourselves in the mud. We must always be ready.

And we have pride. We don’t shout it from the mountaintops, but our actions, our intent, our words, our deeds–our presence–speak it. Our actions, our intent, our words, our deeds, our presence–we live pride. We inhabit pride.

Underdogs have to be more. More of the intangibles. More heart, more soul, more spirit, more love, more passion. All five will be tested. Are they strong enough to withstand the fires, the mud, the water? Underdogs learn to inhabit fire, water, mud. Become them, so their heart, soul, spirit, love, passion becomes stronger.

Underdogs understand mistakes. Underdogs understand they are not perfect. But part of what makes an underdog special is the ability to overcome mistakes, make up for what they lack. In their striving to overcome, they become better than they could have been otherwise.

Underdogs have courage. You may never meet a more courageous person. Fear, sadness, disappointment constantly nip at the heels of the underdog. We could sit still and allow them to devour us. We could run as fast as we could, hoping they couldn’t keep up.

Instead we summon them to us. Come with me, the underdog says. Let me show you something special, something amazing.

Our heart. The greatest thing we possess, the greatest gift we can give.

I have been blogging for about 10 months. It appears that I am averaging about four to five posts a day. The average matters little. What I write does matter.

Where does the inspiration to write come from?

Ah, what a question…

I have a lot rattling around in my head. It is constantly processing information, the world around me. From people, from news, from blogs. Instead of allowing that to dissipate into the ether, I write it. My thoughts. My feelings. My angst. My joy.

What the writing does for me is something special. It allows me to grow, to see myself, to see what I am now, to see what I can be. It allows me to spiritually work out, build my spiritual muscles. It’s a surrogate, an outlet for what I lack.

It allows me to say I am thankful. It allows me to show love and gratitude.

Difficulty gives me inspiration. The sadness that sometimes clouds the sun in my life makes me look deeper for light. It makes me look for the good, the great in life and celebrate it. I look for ways I can turn difficulty into triumph. Because I can overcome difficulty and transform it into something greater, I always get up.

Joy gives me inspiration. The happiness, the optimism, the possibilities. They fire me to reach ever higher. To keep reaching for stars. To reach for something that is greater than myself.

And you know what else?

There is someone who inspires me. It’s an interesting road we have traveled down. We have shared so much. There has been heartbreak along the way. Yet. I still feel the fuel this person gives me. This person may not acknowledge it, but they are an inspiration. A muse, if you will. A muse that plumbs the depth of my soul, and pulls out lotus flower after lotus flower. Which I press into these virtual pages.

Every day, every moment, I am inspired to write. Even writer’s block inspires me. My wellspring of inspiration is infinite.

When I am feeling sad, I allow myself to feel it. It hurts when I feel it, but it hurts less than bottling it up.

But then, something wonderful happens.

I laugh. Because the feeling of sadness appears to be dragging me into a hole. And the laughter says, no. The laughter represents strength. It represents now, the moment. It represents me becoming more, becoming better, going beyond.

My feeling my weakness makes me stronger.