Maybe I haven’t landed that special woman because of my internals. You see, I’m built differently. Not externally, but that plays a role in my internals. To see me, a black male, you’d assume a bunch of things. And you’d be wrong. Mostly. Remember the ol adage, when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.

I want to lead, move and be moved by my heart. I want to think that I move heaven and earth to help people, but at the same time I want to move heaven and earth for me. That way, I can keep moving heaven and earth for others.

A part of me wonders why that kind of giving isn’t enough. Is it because we are in an age of such instant gratification that if we don’t get what we want now, we just toss it aside?

Let me tell you something amazing. Last year, I had my heart broken–details aren’t necessary. But what is amazing is that even after it was broken in spectacular fashion, I still care very deeply about her. I don’t feel that way from sadness, or emptiness. I care about her, think about her, worry about her. Because that is what my heart says to do. And I do it. I could have just walked away, washed my hands of the entire thing. But because she is ingrained in me like no one else ever has, the friendship (the only word I have to describe what this is) is as different from anything I (and I bet she) have experienced.

Yes, I’m a guy–it doesn’t mean I have to lead with my penis. I have a heart, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to tell it to be quiet. As long as it beats, I’ll listen to it.

So what do I have to do, then? I’m not being arrogant when I say this, but nothing. I am not built for sprints. Life is a marathon. That’s what I’m built for. I’m built for giving the love I have in my heart and in my soul to someone special. I get frustrated sometimes because I want my words to be deeds. Right now, my words have to convey what I have, and what I continue to build.

The journey is never complete. Sorry to tell you that. I think that fact (!) trips us all up. We arrive at a certain point and belief that’s it. I had a near-fainting spell recently. It was a shock to my system, and a reminder–my body, my mind, my soul, my spirit demand constant vigilance. My body is the vessel for my mind, my soul and my spirit–I have to take care of it and give it the fuel and nourishment it needs. And I do. And will continue to. The journey is always continuing, it never stops. I want the strength to continue it. I want the openness to be in wonder of it. I want the openness to discover new things. I want to give all that to someone else. I have too much, stuff, roiling inside me to keep it in. If I could find that woman, I might even give up this blog.

Maybe

My thoughts and my feelings come out here. I want a vessel to put those in. I want to be better than what I am.

There is someone out there (and you know who you are ) who reads me as a teacher. That’s cool. If I know something, I want to impart it. But remember something as I teach you–I am learning from you as well. You teach me as I teach you. Don’t forget that. That means your lessons had better be good. That means my lessons have to be good, too. Now, we’re all human–our lessons may fall a little short. But we keep going. We keep trying. That’s what makes us more human.

And better teachers.

It feels good to breathe.

Yes, I know, I breathe anyway.

But when I’m aware of my breathing, I feel fantastic.

Shouldn’t you?

The Fabulous Thunderbirds–”Tuff Enuff”

Sometimes, when my spirit says something to me, I put it aside.

Not cool.

I have to listen to what spirit tells me.

‘Refining the self, and setting up the foundation are not a matter of forced control, forced effort, or austere practices. What the work requires is first to recognize the natural, innocent true mind, and then to use this true mind to refine the self. Then a point of celestial energy emerges within the darkness – this is called true consciousness.’
Chang Po-Tuan (commentary by Liu I-Ming)

hat tip

There I am, in the car, heading home today. It’s raining, and I’m a little frustrated. The drivers around me act as though they’ve never driven in the rain. Hence, speeds are below where they ought to be. Up ahead, I notice one of the message sign on the highway flash, “REDUCE SPEED–SNOW AHEAD.” Huh? I knew it was snowing in Western Jersey, in the mountains, but in Central Jersey? A couple of my miles later, on the side of the highway, there it was–the white stuff. I love snow, but I was caught off-guard by the sight of it. It lifted my spirits, and made the commute home bearable. Slightly.

I haven’t written a poem in a while, so I feel one coming on. About forests and trees. Soon

I’m not saying that my words are powerful–that’s for others to decide. Even if I type out only five words a day, what matters is what the words say, and how how many words convey a feeling or a thought.

Success is the ability to move from one failure to the next with enthusiasm.

- Winston Churchill

You must learn to see the world as being produced by evolution; as a something which is evolving and becoming, not as a finished work.

~Wallace D. Wattles

As I noted earlier…

“Be in the world, not of the world.”

–Anon.

I like Mike Singletary, not just because he looks like my dad. He just gave a great post-game speech after losing his first game as coach. I’ll find the video and post it soon. He was the epitome of dignity and respect. No wonder they call him Samurai.

Key takeaway–”I want winners. I want people who want to win.”

On a rainy night–can you be a friend to someone and be silence? 

Yes, as long as my silence isn’t long-lasting–it isn’t and won’t be.

And, as long as I keep my friend in my heart.

And I do.

Eat breakfast.

Why?

So you won’t have a near-fainting spell at work like I had earlier this week–hence the lack of writing. I’m fine, it was just a scary experience–being upright one minute and on all fours the next. I got light-headed because I didn’t eat enough for breakfast and toppled over. 

I’m going to the doctor next week to make sure that all is well. I know it is, but I need to be sure. 

Namaste

For the past couple of nights, I’ve been dreaming a lot–of cars, building, walking. Dreams that I’ve had before. I think there is an explanation, which will come shortly.

Today and everyday–maintain perspective. Tres simple, non?

I saw something very unique this morning in the very chilly air: As the sun was breaking through the horizon, the moon was overhead, and stars were still out, bright as anything. I’m normally not a morning person, but sometimes I’m glad I am.

Namaste

I have to play catch-up again on my writing. But trust me, I have a good excuse for going AWOL…

I’m trying to parse some dreams–of bridges again (walking across them)–and about the economy (a second stimulus). Do I need a second stimulus package, too?

An off day today (completely off, no work from home) and I got some things done for my car–oil change, new wipers and a much-needed wash. And I noticed something at the car wash that is a function of where I live and what day it is. Most of the cars there when pulled in my humble chariot were Mercedes-Benzes or Volvos. Not the normal area, and not the normal weekend crowd trying to wash the commutes from their wheels.

Whatever is flexible and flowing will tend to grow; whatever is rigid and blocked will wither and die.

- Tao Te Ching, Lao Tsu’s teachings

Yes, crisis is a great teacher, isn’t it?

In the world at large over the past few weeks, we’ve seen two forces at work: fear and greed. In the new world we are gingerly stepping into, lawmakers may try to something virtually impossible: try to eradicate fear and greed. It’s almost impossible because the two are inherently in all of us. Instead of wiping off the map what can never be erased, maybe it’s better to mitigate fear and greed, once it rears their heads, tamp it down.

After 9/11, I heard someone say that constant vigilance is the price we pay for living in a democracy. Constant vigilance is the price we pay for dealing with fear and greed.

We can never fall asleep.

Sometimes, hard lessons in life have to be learned. And they are never learned easily. They are painful, excruciating and bitter sometimes.

But they are learned.

And added to the foundation.

Moods change, they ebb and flow like the tides. They are never the same, never static. But this morning I feel very, very, good.

We keep going back, stronger, not weaker, because we will not allow rejection to beat us down. It will only strengthen our resolve. To be successful there is no other way.

~Earl G. Graves

“The difference between life and movies is that a script has to make sense, and life doesn’t.”

- Mankiewicz

hat tip

Gotta remember this one…

I will say, though. I am happy. Why? I don’t need a reason. I just am.

No, I haven’t written lately–work is work and not giving me much downtime to ponder and wonder. This weekend, tho, maybe some time to write…

Friends of mine just had their first baby, and it made me think. I want to be a father someday, but is it possible in the current environment?

Yes, and I think I can do it.

With the dream of wandering through a hotel lobby. What is going on here?

I’ve had this dream lately where I was checking into this hotel, a lot like a Hyatt Regency–bright, airy. Last night I walked into this place, and discovered I was in the wrong section. What’s going on?

But not writing–I’ve been busy with work these days.

I have been thinking, about the nature of friendship, stillness, silence, breathing, staying calm in a hurricane. I’ll dip in where I can with a thought or two as I can.

To remember in times like these, from a radio host…

Love people, not things.

I am angry at the state of things. Why are people panicking when they know the road ahead is going to be tough? Doesn’t make more sense to slow down, breathe and ask, what can I do to make it through the storm and thrive?

I have some anger in me over all this, and I want to channel that into something more productive and useful. I want to be want other people right now aren’t–calm, cool, aware, ready.

The gyrations in the markets send me through a cascade of emotions today. My travels started at boredom, through weariness, down to fear, to frustration, into anger and sitting in rage now. Where is the courage among investors, bankers, lenders, political leaders in this? Where? I refuse to go into a panic because the rest of the world is. I’m not naive–this situation is awful. The problem as I see it–stop thinking short term and think long-term. Be mindful of your consumption. Be mindful of what you can take on. And remember you are not alone in the world–your actions have consequence. Act well.

The pulses are still there, still here. Some days, they are stronger than others.

If you know the art of breathing you have the strength, wisdom, and courage of ten tigers.

- Chinese adage

Are we liberating ourselves? From fear–of stillness, of darkness.

How? By being in the dark, by being still.

Is liberation theology…

A bunch of dreams last night, to follow the ones I had over the weekend. My mind is working out, working through things. The catalog–a roller coaster, a grocery sstore, argyle sweaters. From last night–work, my aunt’s old home, friends, my place and–well, I’ll keep that one to myself.

(with these little TFTDs, you get a glimpse into what is in my mind and in my heart)

To look at something as though we had never seen it before requires great courage.

-Henri Matisse

hat tip

(a bunch of these today)

The one who beholds that which has become as become
Passes beyond that becoming
And is released from craving for sensation.
In that which really is, he understands becoming.
Free from longing for birth or death,
He finds the true meaning of the end of becoming.

-Itivuttaka Sutta

hat tip

Amen. Amen. Amen.

“Be not the slave of your own past – plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with new self-respect, with new power, and with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.”

–Ralph Waldo Emerson

hat tip

Awesome thought…

Feeling lonely and ignoble indicates
that you haven’t been patient.

–Mevlani Rumi

(hat tip)

A two-fer

No matter how bad a state of mind you may get into, if you keep strong and hold out, eventually the floating clouds must vanish and the withering wind must cease.

-Dogen

How to cope with wavering thoughts?
Versatile are flying clouds,
Yet from the sky they’re not apart.
Mighty are the ocean’s waves,
Yet they are not separate from the sea.
Heavy and thick are banks of fog,
Yet from the air they’re not apart.
Frantic runs the mind in voidness,
Yet from the Void it never separates.

-Hundred Thousand Songs of Milarepa

hat tip

Life is such a wonderful teacher.

The financial rescue plan passed and signed yesterday is a sterling example of something in life we know, but still ignore anyway.

There are no silver bullets.

No magic pills.

No magic potions.

This country will likely go into recession through the winter, and maybe begin recovery in the spring. Maybe. Anyone thinking the rescue bill would fix things overnight is gonna be hurt be the cold slap of reality. Car loans, student loans, home loans–all will be tougher to get for awhile.

It is going to take time before things return to normal in the economy. The economy has been wounded. It has to have time to recover to become strong again.

How does this apply to you? To me?

Take out the word economy, and insert the word heart. Or soul, or spirit.

No magic bullets. A long, hard slog–maybe.

I’m ready. And so are you.

When God planted His garden

He didn’t just roses

But hibiscus, lillies, lotuses

A panoply of colors, shapes, smells

God’s flowers also have two legs

And none are the same

How boring would it be

If our realities were alike

God’s flowers are different

So we can grow

By touching each other