Usually in this space on this day, I run the Declaration of Independence. Not today, though–here’s a link to it. We’re going to talk about personal independence, or something akin to it. What follows is not a rant, or a whine, but more of a self-assessment. If I have an Achilles heel when it comes to relationship in general, and that is independence. It goes back to the INTP’s Prayer…
Lord, help me by less independent, but let me do it in my own way.
Funny, but true. For whatever reason, that’s how I am. Very independent, almost fiercely so. To the point where you’d think I’ll be a committed bachelor. No, I’d chalk up my dearth of partners on my needlessness. I feel like I’m ok. No massive insecurities, brain trauma/cramps. What comes up in my head, I feel like I can handle. And I can–and do–spend stretches of time alone. This doesn’t mean I’m a robot, or I shun human company. I don’t consider myself emotionally needy, or clinging. And I’ve often wondered is that my problem. That most of the relationships I see (and have experienced) depend on some sort of neediness or clinginess. I’m probably being too harsh. But I wonder why some relationships start–is it some one partner can try to fill some gap in their life? Is it about power and control? One of the worst things to happen in a relationship is losing all sense of yourself. But there’s the opposite…not holding so tightly to yourself. In other words, a balancing act. It’s all about balance, isn’t it? That’s the thing I want–balance. In the West, though, balance isn’t seen as sexy. Unbalanced, unhinged seems to be. Balance is boring, and balance can’t produce wild nights in bed. Or so you think.
Anyway, there are places where I know I need work. I hate being called distant. To me, it sounds like I don’t care. Yet, I do care. Often I do have my reasons for going quiet. And those end up being about self-preservation. So I’m a work in progress. I believe I’m capable of being a good life partner and a good father. And I can be emotionally supportive. But I’m not an emotional crutch for anyone. I can’t be. No one can be. We can be emotionally supportive, but I can’t solve every problem you have. The thing that makes you independent is your ability to recognize what you need to work on, and the knowledge that you must face your problems, and ultimately solve them yourself. I can help, I can assist. But you’re the horse–I can’t make you drink the water.
Plucked from Tumblr…sort of makes sense here, I suppose…
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.