Field notes for relationships

For me, if I date someone and it doesn’t work, I don’t want to remain friends. Nerves and emotions are still raw, and I’d just as soon walk away. Something else, too–I want to be, and strive to be, a nice guy. But in the process, some women might want to take advantage of that. It’s as if to them, I have no emotional moorings. I’m a guy, after all–I’m emotionless. And yet–yet! I’m not. My best friend told me a few weeks ago, I’ve got emotionally stronger as the years have gone on. So, why would I emotionally weaken myself for someone, anyone? This strength helps me be me. Now, if there’s a way to be emotionally weak and still be strong, I love to hear it.

I recently dated a woman who wanted the guy to have a big boy car, big boy job and big boy apartment. Understood, and understandable. But…what about being a big boy, in general? Being adult, human, evolving? Isn’t that important, too? Perhaps more so? Just asking. Who I am, and who I want to be, shouldn’t be limited to those ultimately meaningless things. Now, it’s up to me to show those intangibles that I seem to hold dear. Yet, it’s a two-way street–she has to seek those things too.

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